New Sex Rule: The 7-Minute Limit On Blowjobs

Here ye, here ye! We, the women of The Frisky, hereby decree that blowjobs should last no longer than seven minutes. Why seven minutes you ask? Men, let us do you a favor and explain why.

The initial enthusiasm to give a blowjob starts to die around the 5-minute mark. Slobbing the knob is hard fucking work. Your lady is concentrating on sheathing her teeth, generating spit, sucking, working her tongue, bobbing her head at the right rhythm all while trying to interpret what will make you come faster. (Note: We didn’t say harder.) Did his dick just flex? Was that a moan? To play with the balls, or not to play with the balls?

After seven minutes, severe boredom starts to set in. Our minds start to wander. We begin to create unrelated to do lists. Do I have milk? After he’s done, I really should do laundry. Ooh, is a new episode of “Scandal” on tonight? What’s Mellie gonna do next?! The list-making comes to an end pretty quickly though, as lip, neck, and jaw ache starts to set in. Not fun. We would like to invite all men to work a cucumber for 10 minutes and see how it feels.

After the 10-minute mark, annoyance starts to set in. Guys, seriously, if she keeps changing up her technique, she isn’t teasing you. She doesn’t want to prolong the process, trust. She was forced to use her hands from fear of dislocating her jaw. At this point, she’s probably staring up at you in anger wondering if you masturbated all day and that’s why you’re taking so long.

Men, don’t interpret this the wrong way. We don’t tell you this to put the pressure on. For everyone’s sake don’t stress out. (Most people can’t come under stress.) We share this information to assist you. We appreciate the time you spend reciprocating oral and are sure you have your own list of woes. But if blowjobs only lasted a seven minutes, more women would enjoy giving them and men would receive them at a higher frequency.

Men, do yourself a favor, come faster or, after seven minutes, smile down at her and tell her you want to fuck. We bet you 9 out of 10 times she gratefully replies yes.