The Accidental Orgasm

Now that everyone knows what a clitoris is, there is equal opportunity for all. Prior to the groundbreaking discovery that clitoral stimulation was THE big factor in orgasm, men could imagine that the erect male member was the whole of the ecstasy package.


PREHISTORY AND THE SEX THING — WHO KNEW?

Our ancestors huddled in caves, fled from sabre-toothed tigers, ate roasted lizard, and died at 35. Female sexual satisfaction was not much on their minds.

The first man to elicit an orgasm from a female partner may have had a eureka! moment much like that of the guy who ate the first oyster or lit the first campfire. But I’m betting he didn’t know what a momentous discovery he’d made.

HE: “What the — #*%!^?*!? What’s the matter with you?”

SHE: “I just felt incredibly, fantastically good there for a few moments…”

HE: ”Well, put a sock in it next time. Your shrieking and clawing interrupts my concentration.”

THE EVOLUTION OF THE ORGASM

Civilization has passed through many millennia, all of them sympathetic to male supremacy. We live in the Age of Information Glut, wherein every sentient man knows women are not only capable of orgasms, but insist on them. Staring out from magazines, newspapers, and screens of every size and resolution are the faces of super-confident hotties whose message is plainly, “If you don’t get me off, pal, you’re gone.”

Now that everyone knows what a clitoris is, there is equal opportunity for all. Prior to the groundbreaking discovery that clitoral stimulation was THE big factor in orgasm, men could imagine that the erect male member was the whole of the ecstasy package. These days accidental orgasm is passé, an embarrassment, a sign that a man is not doing his job.

BUT ON THE DOWNSIDE….

Female self-affirmation has unleashed upon males a tidal wave of performance anxiety. Men once feared mere death, but now they live in terror of erectile dysfunction. It’s not just grandpas who are using Viagra. Studies suggest that younger men too experience E.D. For those with no physical ailment, the cause is most often fear of comparison, fear of not — er– measuring up.

Older guys’ E.D. is more physical than emotional. UniversityofChicagoresearchers say about one-third of American men 50-65 suffer from E.D. and from ages 65 to 85 the figure jumps to 44 percent. Few older men report the kind of performance anxiety that comes from fear of comparison, partly because they’ve had time to hone their skills in long-term marriages or in multiple relationships over time. And unless they’re wooing women young enough to be their daughters or granddaughters, they can count on the understanding of women partners mature enough to have been through the same wars.

WHAT OLD GUYS FEAR THE MOST

For old guys it’s not performance anxiety. It’s fear of the Last Erection. When a man of 60 experiences a temporary limp-out he’s positive that this is the moment he’s dreaded for the last decade. OMG my last erection was THE last.

This sort of flawed thinking can introduce anxiousness into otherwise vigorous and spontaneous lovemaking. If only the order were reversed – first the ejaculation, then the foreplay! Getting rid of the Big If right away, senior men could relax and focus more happily on the ecstasy-inducing moves the modern woman requires.

We don’t want it that way, of course. Women have had enough of being the afterthought. But ironically, we senior gals can benefit from Big If stress, because guys who are bummed about not having the rock-hard erections they had in their 20s will simply try harder to please, which means they won’t be settling for the accidental orgasm — and neither will you.