Cover Letter for Jobs - Comedy

Dear Hiring Manager,

I'd first like to take a moment to thank you for reading this before making any rash decisions. Though my resume, teeth, and demeanor speak for themselves please understand that such qualities are in high demand in todays market. Therefore, before either of us move forward in regards to the position I'd prefer to speak briefly about my history, as well as make clear what my expectations are both of you, as well as the organization.

As Willy Wonka once told Mike TV, "time is a precious thing... let's not waste it." He was so serious about that remark he literally threw a perfectly functioning clock into an industrial mixer. I'm sure a mid level decision maker like yourself cannot relate to the entreprenurial spirit of Mr. Wonka however pay that no mind. It can however be assumed that I, like Charlie Bucket, carry the will, desire, and overall fine sense of fashion to take your company to the next level. Unlike Charlie, I will not be distracted by the likes of a Mr. Slugworth, of whom symbolizes our competition in the market place.

Now before you simply pick up the phone and make me a formal offer allow me to put the brakes on... Hands of the merchandise my friend. My experience with previous positions can best be described as a "learning curve" not in the game of life, but more so monopoly. I've seen beaurocracy at its finest. I've witnessed those who own property on "park ave" end up downgrading to "park place" or even worse, are now living under a boardwalk. The little thimble which was once a character on a board game is now what they use to scoop drinking water from a puddle.

If the hierarchy of your organization continues to squeeze the fair share of the wealth solely to the top, like a tube of toothpaste that should have been tossed days ago I simply cannot move forward, at least without the guarantee of a signing bonus. If no signing bonus, I'll forceably accept a higher guaranteed base salary. I am pro- holidays off, especially the ones that only banks acknowledge or Canada or Mexico as I'm a firm believer in refueling the tank as its necessary to put in a full 4 day work week.

In addition to being humble, my character is also one that can only be described as the perfect employee. As opposed to arriving early, or even on time, I make the sacrifice and arrive approx. 15-20 minutes after the rest of the company. The last thing I want to do is have colleagues focused on how they can do things as I do, as opposed to focusing on themselves. I am also very punctual as I am sure to leave for lunch everyday at 12pm exactly regardless of deadlines! How many times have you had a peer leave work early due to illness when perhaps all they needed was a bloody mary to pony up for the rest of the day (countless nutrients in tomato juice). You can rest assure the 2 to 3 hours after lunch are what I like to call "go time."

Interoffice romances I take very seriously. Such behavior should not be tolerated in the work place unless of course the rumors, gossip, and pending domestic violence take place outside the company walls. Then, it is not our problem therefore should be business as usual. Drug use without the consent of a doctor or co-worker should also be addressed. Such topics should be "whether the drug is a stimulant or sedative" as well as if the drug "makes that person more or less annoying" and finally "are they more productive, and less likely to storm the office one day with a hunting rifle from Walmart." No, I don't expect you to understand all these medical terms but understand most people who say they take pride in meneal, boring, soulless tasks whether it be falsifying a Profit and Loss statement or rearranging the "dad hates you" t-shirts at Hot Topic are most likely on some form of happy pill.

A final practice I live by is this, "work smarter, not harder..." thus I encourage you (if not already) to adopt such thinking. 40 hours a week in the workplace significantly impact the long term growth of any organization. Between meetings, alarm clocks, and deadlines there is hardly anytime for one to enjoy a simple long island iced tea, accept maybe lunch time or in the wee hours of a weeknight. I've always cared about the 5 year plan, that's just me I'm a visionary thus if maximizing production is the goal then suggest to cut required hours down to say 20 hours a week. This not only will allow the real "go getters" to finally be recognized by burning out at 25-30 hours but also allow the company to cut health care for everyone! Doesn't it make sense that one who is uninsured is more likely to take care of themselves, drink less, not get sick or get AIDs than one who falls back on the cushion of a health care plan? If the wheels aren't turning by now than perhaps I'm not the best fit for the company and regret having to turn down your pending offer.

Again, I thank you for any opportunities that are either in the organization or if you simply know of one elsewhere. Having said that, most likely you'll opt to pursue me regardless thus please be aware that as I am currently unemployed I prefer to not be called before 11am. I also do not like voicemails, thus text me from your personal cell and mention that it was you, the hiring manager whom attempted to reach me.

I need not bother you with providing professional references as I feel I can provide a reference for myself that is beyond satisfactory. I look forward to starting a great working relationship with you in the near future.