Kinky sex can be a great way to spice up a boring sex life, but just how do you get there? Check out these five tips to reveal your darker side.
Finding your kinky alter ego doesn’t have to be a difficult task. So many couples go through vanilla sex and don’t address it. If you and your girlfriend have had “the talk” about a bland sex life then you are a step ahead of the game. Sex is an important part of the relationship and it can be a very frustration endeavor to keep things spicy.
If you’re looking for a way to bring out the inner-freak, there are a few things that you can do. You don’t have to head out and get a latex suit or become a certified dom. You can find out what turns you on very quickly with minimal hassle and little effort.
1. Ask Her What Turns Her On
Most of the time a guy will simply get turned on by having a girl turned on. When women find themselves so hot that they can’t contain it anymore, guys are instantly in the mood. Most of the guys that you talk to will tell you the same thing. They are much more concerned with getting their girlfriend or wife off than actually getting off themselves. Take this into consideration when you are trying to spice up your bedroom activities.
2. Do You Get Embarrassed?
There are a lot of guys that are easily embarrassed when it comes to sex and sexual fantasies. Maybe you want your girlfriend dress up like a Catholic schoolgirl or maybe you want her to dominate you. These are both fairly common sexual fantasies. However, there are a lot of guys they get so embarrassed when they talk about their fantasies that they can’t actually act upon them. Talk to your partner in an open and honest, nonjudgmental way about what would really turn you on.
Try to come up with a way that you won’t get embarrassed halfway through and have her reassure you that you are not strange or weird because of your sexual fantasies. A girlfriend that is confident in her own sexuality and willing to play a part of your sexual fantasy will help the relationship immensely.
3. Watch Some Pornography
Say what you want about pornography, but it is one of the best tools to get men and women going. One of the easiest ways to use pornography is to help you discover what your sexual fantasies are. Whether you are into straight sex, domination, lesbian porn or all of the above, pornography can help you get there.
Take your girlfriend or wife to an adult store and search through the porno section. Decide on a movie that you will both enjoy and then take it home and watch it. Relationships are about compromise. If you are trying to find common ground in spicing up your sex life, deciding on a porno for the both of you is a great first step. If you can’t decide on one movie, find two or three and take them home for a whole weekend of fun and exploration.
4. Sex Toys
Sex toys can be a great way to find out exactly how kinky you are comfortable being. But if you get the wrong sex toys, you might put yourself and your partner in an awkward position. Have you ever had the fantasy of using a vibrator on a girl? How about a butt plug? Before you do any of this you’re going to need to talk to your partner.
It is her body that you’re going to be experimenting with after all. Sit her down and talk to her honestly. Tell her about how hot you think it will be and tell her that you believe it could bring the two of your closer in your sex life. You will probably be surprised on how open she will be to your honesty.
5. Be In The Moment
Most women love a guy that can be in the moment. If you have talked about getting more kink in your sex life, go ahead and do it. You girl is going to be much more open to things in the height of her arousal than talking about it afterward or before. If you want to try a new sex position, tell her in the middle of sex. Sometimes putting her in that position without asking can be a huge turn on for women. If she doesn’t feel comfortable with something, she will tell you. Don’t try something crazy on a whim, but you shouldn’t be afraid of trying something new on a whim.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Oral Sex: How are you at receiving?
Many men and women report oral as being their favourite sexual act, if not at least enjoying it quite a bit. Oral sex is one of the most common ways of being able to make a woman orgasm, as it gives her partner much more control over the type of stimulation and the exact spots to hit to pleasure her.
Unfortunately, many women aren’t comfortable with their partner going down on them. Whether they’re worried they’ll smell or taste bad, are uncomfortable with how their vulva looks or don’t like all the attention to be focused on them, there are quite a few reasons for women not being okay with receiving oral sex.
And yes, there’s a minority of women who simply don’t enjoy the sensations of it.
Not every sexual act is for everyone. If, however, you or your partner doesn’t want to be eaten out for reasons such as being worried about the taste or smell, you need to know that as long as your hygiene is good, you have nothing to worry about. Shower daily and do NOT use soap or any douching products in the vagina. All you need is water. Soap on the outer labia may be fine, especially if you don’t shave/wax, but anything on the vulva or in the vagina can throw off the pH and cause infection or, in the least, bad odours. Also make sure you drink lots of water and eat a healthy, balanced diet.
If you’re uncomfortable with how your vulva looks, try to figure out why that is. What is preventing you from being comfortable with your body as a whole? Grab a hand-mirror and examine your parts... practice labelling all the different areas (inner labia, urethral meatus, clitoris, vaginal opening, etc) and start to see the beauty of it.
When it comes to not liking all the attention, that’s something else you need to really examine and figure out why it is that you feel that way. Think about if you’re comfortable with going down on your partner and giving them the attention they deserve and why it is that you don’t feel like you should have the favour returned.
Some women also don’t enjoy oral because they label themselves as being submissive and believe that receiving oral sex is a form of domination. This does not have to be the case. You and your partner get to decide on what acts are dominating and what aren’t. There are always ways of making it more of a submissive act. You can have them tie you up, blindfold you and/or even gag you while they go down on you. You can have them talk dirty and command you to do different things while they go down on you. Using your role as a sub or dom as a reason to not participate in an act you would enjoy isn’t a good enough excuse. Get creative and find a way to take part in these activities in a way that keeps you in your comfort zone. Being a sub does not mean you have to forfeit your sexual pleasure for your partner.
It’s also important to discuss how not every man enjoys or is comfortable with receiving oral. Many are not able to orgasm from this act and have found that this is quite upsetting for their partner. Many people take it personally if their male partner doesn’t orgasm from fellatio. They think it’s their own fault for not being good enough at giving oral, or even go as far as thinking their partner must not be attracted to them.
This is simply not the case. Women can’t orgasm from every sexual act, so why do people think it’s any different for men?
Many men absolutely love the sensations they receive from oral sex, but simply can’t orgasm from it. In no way does that mean they shouldn’t bother engaging in it. People commonly make the mistake of fixating on orgasm and viewing that as the primary goal of sexual play. Instead, try to simply focus on the aspect of pleasure. Try to give your partner as much enjoyable stimulation as possible without worrying about whether or not it will make them orgasm. Not only does this take the pressure off them feeling like they need to orgasm (which actually increases their chances of reaching climax), but it can also help you discover new techniques or new areas on their body that they’re sensitive to.
Some men find oral sex to be an uncomfortable sensation, or even painful. Many times this is due to their glans being too sensitive, which is commonly connected to phimosis or simply not having desensitized their glans (most common with uncircumcised men). Men should be able to fully retract their foreskin down past their coronal ridge. If you or your partner can’t do this, then it may be a good idea to see a doctor to get some steroid cream to help stretch your foreskin out. If it’s purely a matter of not being able to handle direct stimulation to the glans, then start peeling the foreskin back in the shower and letting the water hit the glans directly. This will probably be uncomfortable at first, but over time it will not be an issue, and eventually you’ll be able to take direct stimulation.
Lastly, some men feel that asking their partner to go down on them is degrading to their partner. They worry that it means they’re just trying to “use” them, since porn often portrays blow jobs as something that’s demeaning to the woman. It’s important to know that many women absolutely love giving oral sex and that it doesn’t have to be a dominating act to receive it from them. It can be a very loving and intimate experience if that is what you prefer.
It comes down to talking to your partner about it and figuring out what both of you are comfortable with. Discuss your boundaries, communicate about what feels good and what doesn’t and learn how to relax and fully enjoy yourself when you’re receiving oral.
Unfortunately, many women aren’t comfortable with their partner going down on them. Whether they’re worried they’ll smell or taste bad, are uncomfortable with how their vulva looks or don’t like all the attention to be focused on them, there are quite a few reasons for women not being okay with receiving oral sex.
And yes, there’s a minority of women who simply don’t enjoy the sensations of it.
Not every sexual act is for everyone. If, however, you or your partner doesn’t want to be eaten out for reasons such as being worried about the taste or smell, you need to know that as long as your hygiene is good, you have nothing to worry about. Shower daily and do NOT use soap or any douching products in the vagina. All you need is water. Soap on the outer labia may be fine, especially if you don’t shave/wax, but anything on the vulva or in the vagina can throw off the pH and cause infection or, in the least, bad odours. Also make sure you drink lots of water and eat a healthy, balanced diet.
If you’re uncomfortable with how your vulva looks, try to figure out why that is. What is preventing you from being comfortable with your body as a whole? Grab a hand-mirror and examine your parts... practice labelling all the different areas (inner labia, urethral meatus, clitoris, vaginal opening, etc) and start to see the beauty of it.
When it comes to not liking all the attention, that’s something else you need to really examine and figure out why it is that you feel that way. Think about if you’re comfortable with going down on your partner and giving them the attention they deserve and why it is that you don’t feel like you should have the favour returned.
Some women also don’t enjoy oral because they label themselves as being submissive and believe that receiving oral sex is a form of domination. This does not have to be the case. You and your partner get to decide on what acts are dominating and what aren’t. There are always ways of making it more of a submissive act. You can have them tie you up, blindfold you and/or even gag you while they go down on you. You can have them talk dirty and command you to do different things while they go down on you. Using your role as a sub or dom as a reason to not participate in an act you would enjoy isn’t a good enough excuse. Get creative and find a way to take part in these activities in a way that keeps you in your comfort zone. Being a sub does not mean you have to forfeit your sexual pleasure for your partner.
It’s also important to discuss how not every man enjoys or is comfortable with receiving oral. Many are not able to orgasm from this act and have found that this is quite upsetting for their partner. Many people take it personally if their male partner doesn’t orgasm from fellatio. They think it’s their own fault for not being good enough at giving oral, or even go as far as thinking their partner must not be attracted to them.
This is simply not the case. Women can’t orgasm from every sexual act, so why do people think it’s any different for men?
Many men absolutely love the sensations they receive from oral sex, but simply can’t orgasm from it. In no way does that mean they shouldn’t bother engaging in it. People commonly make the mistake of fixating on orgasm and viewing that as the primary goal of sexual play. Instead, try to simply focus on the aspect of pleasure. Try to give your partner as much enjoyable stimulation as possible without worrying about whether or not it will make them orgasm. Not only does this take the pressure off them feeling like they need to orgasm (which actually increases their chances of reaching climax), but it can also help you discover new techniques or new areas on their body that they’re sensitive to.
Some men find oral sex to be an uncomfortable sensation, or even painful. Many times this is due to their glans being too sensitive, which is commonly connected to phimosis or simply not having desensitized their glans (most common with uncircumcised men). Men should be able to fully retract their foreskin down past their coronal ridge. If you or your partner can’t do this, then it may be a good idea to see a doctor to get some steroid cream to help stretch your foreskin out. If it’s purely a matter of not being able to handle direct stimulation to the glans, then start peeling the foreskin back in the shower and letting the water hit the glans directly. This will probably be uncomfortable at first, but over time it will not be an issue, and eventually you’ll be able to take direct stimulation.
Lastly, some men feel that asking their partner to go down on them is degrading to their partner. They worry that it means they’re just trying to “use” them, since porn often portrays blow jobs as something that’s demeaning to the woman. It’s important to know that many women absolutely love giving oral sex and that it doesn’t have to be a dominating act to receive it from them. It can be a very loving and intimate experience if that is what you prefer.
It comes down to talking to your partner about it and figuring out what both of you are comfortable with. Discuss your boundaries, communicate about what feels good and what doesn’t and learn how to relax and fully enjoy yourself when you’re receiving oral.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The 6 affair triggers
Affairs might be ‘sexy’ but they are rarely purely about sex. More often than not, an affair can be an unconscious attempt to solve a problem in the original relationship. It’s clearly a signal that something is wrong, but how do we know what that is? When working as a couples therapist I’ve noticed that most affairs tend to be provoked by one of six triggers. These are the deeper relationship issues that might have led to the affair, and can give some ideas about what steps to take as you solder your relationship back together.
1 Conflict-phobic affair
This is when one or both partners won’t argue, and skirt around their differences rather than work through them. The problem with this is that they’re not sharing all of themselves, and so levels of intimacy drop. The relationship becomes routine, rather than being kept alive by fresh dialogue. Inevitably, each partner begins to feel lonely. But airing their troubles and risking confrontation feels too frightening, so paradoxically, to save their marriage, they seek intimacy elsewhere. The straying partner is often careless, as if unconsciously they want to get found out, because this will force them to look at their relationship. When both sides take responsibility for their conflict avoidance there is a good chance they can learn new and more authentic ways of being together.
Prospects for recovery: Good.
2 Vulnerability-phobic affair
The opposite of the conflict phobes, these couples are often good at arguing – almost too good. For them, conflict is a way to maintain contact with each other. But this isn’t healthy debate – both sides are too frightened of opening up and showing their vulnerabilities. Instead, there is a strong need to be right and to prove the other wrong. This leads to role play rather than more intimate, authentic sharing, which can escalate the belief that their partner does not care about them, thus increasing their fear of being vulnerable, which then leads to loneliness – and then to infidelities. It is likely that the affair gets discovered quite quickly. Even then it can escalate into tit-for-tat affairs on both sides and by the time they get to see a couples therapist, the couple are usually on the brink of splitting up. If both partners can learn to see that their fear of being open and vulnerable is the root cause of their ‘I’m-right-you’re-wrong’ game, they can drop the roles and regain their intimacy.
Prospects for recovery: Fair/good.
3 Incapacity for intimacy affair
This is another version of the vulnerability-phobic affair. The straying partner finds the messiness of a longer-term relationship, after the novelty and idealisation stage, too complicated. A new partner seems so much more straightforward… until they get to know them and the whole cycle starts again. They go through this cycle several times before they can realise that it might be their own incapacity for intimacy that’s leading to their affairs and subsequent break-ups.
Prospects for recovery: Fair/poor.
4 The divided self affair
The wandering partner loves the idea of their perfect family and a perfect spouse. But they also love their lover. They never intended to have an affair, and see it as something that ‘just happened’. Their self-image as a good spouse and parent is important to them, but what they probably didn’t do is accurately assess the depth of their feelings for their ‘perfect’ partner at the start. Their partner is someone they think they ought to love, rather than someone they actually love. After quite a few years of trying to keep this up, they will be knocked off their feet by an infatuation. The trouble is, they are still wedded to the idea of themselves as part of the perfect family. They may never be found out. It is often a mistress who contacts a wife in an attempt to get things moving. They will still be reluctant to move in with the mistress and will probably only do so if they are thrown out by their partner.
Prospects for recovery: Fair/poor.
5 The sex addict affair
If one partner is a sex addict, this stems more from their individual issues than from any problems with their relationship or partner, and consequently the ways of working through it are more limited. The prospect of change is small. Being addicted to sex is not unlike other addictions, such as alcohol or gambling. The addict feels empty and uses the addiction to feel temporarily full, but it never lasts and the addiction can continue indefinitely unless the addict is prepared to work hard in therapy and at changing their behaviour. The partner of a sex addict, as often as not, overlooks the affairs, either consciously or unconsciously. This can be because of co-dependency (‘I’d be nothing without you’) or might be related to how they want themselves and their marriage to look to others.
Prospects for recovery: Dependent on whether the non-straying partner can tolerate the situation. The addict is unlikely to change unless they are highly motivated to.
6 The exit affair
The purpose of an exit affair is to try to force the non-straying partner into ending the relationship. Alternatively, it might have started as a distraction from the pain of separation. The affair says, ‘It’s over’, when honest communication has not been happening for a long time. Such an affair could be seen as the cause of the split, but it’s usually a way out after the straying partner has made a decision to end the relationship. Often such a couple comes to therapy because the exiting partner feels that the therapist can mop up their partner’s hurt, allowing them to exit more easily.
Prospects for recovery: Hopeless.
1 Conflict-phobic affair
This is when one or both partners won’t argue, and skirt around their differences rather than work through them. The problem with this is that they’re not sharing all of themselves, and so levels of intimacy drop. The relationship becomes routine, rather than being kept alive by fresh dialogue. Inevitably, each partner begins to feel lonely. But airing their troubles and risking confrontation feels too frightening, so paradoxically, to save their marriage, they seek intimacy elsewhere. The straying partner is often careless, as if unconsciously they want to get found out, because this will force them to look at their relationship. When both sides take responsibility for their conflict avoidance there is a good chance they can learn new and more authentic ways of being together.
Prospects for recovery: Good.
2 Vulnerability-phobic affair
The opposite of the conflict phobes, these couples are often good at arguing – almost too good. For them, conflict is a way to maintain contact with each other. But this isn’t healthy debate – both sides are too frightened of opening up and showing their vulnerabilities. Instead, there is a strong need to be right and to prove the other wrong. This leads to role play rather than more intimate, authentic sharing, which can escalate the belief that their partner does not care about them, thus increasing their fear of being vulnerable, which then leads to loneliness – and then to infidelities. It is likely that the affair gets discovered quite quickly. Even then it can escalate into tit-for-tat affairs on both sides and by the time they get to see a couples therapist, the couple are usually on the brink of splitting up. If both partners can learn to see that their fear of being open and vulnerable is the root cause of their ‘I’m-right-you’re-wrong’ game, they can drop the roles and regain their intimacy.
Prospects for recovery: Fair/good.
3 Incapacity for intimacy affair
This is another version of the vulnerability-phobic affair. The straying partner finds the messiness of a longer-term relationship, after the novelty and idealisation stage, too complicated. A new partner seems so much more straightforward… until they get to know them and the whole cycle starts again. They go through this cycle several times before they can realise that it might be their own incapacity for intimacy that’s leading to their affairs and subsequent break-ups.
Prospects for recovery: Fair/poor.
4 The divided self affair
The wandering partner loves the idea of their perfect family and a perfect spouse. But they also love their lover. They never intended to have an affair, and see it as something that ‘just happened’. Their self-image as a good spouse and parent is important to them, but what they probably didn’t do is accurately assess the depth of their feelings for their ‘perfect’ partner at the start. Their partner is someone they think they ought to love, rather than someone they actually love. After quite a few years of trying to keep this up, they will be knocked off their feet by an infatuation. The trouble is, they are still wedded to the idea of themselves as part of the perfect family. They may never be found out. It is often a mistress who contacts a wife in an attempt to get things moving. They will still be reluctant to move in with the mistress and will probably only do so if they are thrown out by their partner.
Prospects for recovery: Fair/poor.
5 The sex addict affair
If one partner is a sex addict, this stems more from their individual issues than from any problems with their relationship or partner, and consequently the ways of working through it are more limited. The prospect of change is small. Being addicted to sex is not unlike other addictions, such as alcohol or gambling. The addict feels empty and uses the addiction to feel temporarily full, but it never lasts and the addiction can continue indefinitely unless the addict is prepared to work hard in therapy and at changing their behaviour. The partner of a sex addict, as often as not, overlooks the affairs, either consciously or unconsciously. This can be because of co-dependency (‘I’d be nothing without you’) or might be related to how they want themselves and their marriage to look to others.
Prospects for recovery: Dependent on whether the non-straying partner can tolerate the situation. The addict is unlikely to change unless they are highly motivated to.
6 The exit affair
The purpose of an exit affair is to try to force the non-straying partner into ending the relationship. Alternatively, it might have started as a distraction from the pain of separation. The affair says, ‘It’s over’, when honest communication has not been happening for a long time. Such an affair could be seen as the cause of the split, but it’s usually a way out after the straying partner has made a decision to end the relationship. Often such a couple comes to therapy because the exiting partner feels that the therapist can mop up their partner’s hurt, allowing them to exit more easily.
Prospects for recovery: Hopeless.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Where Are Your Erogenous Zones?
For men it seems simple. They get turned on by getting their genitals stroked, but there are other parts of their bodies that you can caress in order to make them aroused. When was the last time you touched them?
And what about women? What spot can men touch that will drive women absolutely crazy?
The truth is that not all men and women are the same. You'll have to take the time to discover where your partner's erogenous zones are, but what a pleasure it will be to explore all of their body parts to find the hidden erogenous zones.
Where should you begin?
Most people get turned on through kissing -- which leads to touching, which leads to intercourse -- and then it's over. The body parts that are most often involved in sex are the lips, fingertips and genitals, but have you ever discovered that you have hidden body parts that make you instantly turned-on when they're stimulated? A casual brush across the nape of the neck and you are ready to tear the clothes off your partner.
Who knew?
Take your time and touch and caress. There are lots of body parts to discover during foreplay. Take your time and find out what makes your partner moan.
Leave no skin untouched.
It may be the inside of the wrist, the nape of the neck, or the eyelids. The inside of the thighs are highly sensitive to touching, stroking and licking. Or maybe it's the feet. How will you ever know until you try? Nibble on his earlobe. Does his moan with pleasure? Or maybe you should try a playful nip on her ankle. Make a thorough exploration of each other's bodies. All it may take is a little hot breath on the neck or a long, slow stroke down the spine.
Touch and kiss your partner's elbows, knees, armpits, and tummy. Does that give them goose bumps? Then keep going. You're moving in the right direction.
You never know what kind of touch is going to feel incredibly erotic for your partner. Take the time to discover the secrets of each other's erogenous zones. It's a wonderful way to share a sex secret and create intimacy that will keep the magic of your relationship alive for a long time.
And what about women? What spot can men touch that will drive women absolutely crazy?
The truth is that not all men and women are the same. You'll have to take the time to discover where your partner's erogenous zones are, but what a pleasure it will be to explore all of their body parts to find the hidden erogenous zones.
Where should you begin?
Most people get turned on through kissing -- which leads to touching, which leads to intercourse -- and then it's over. The body parts that are most often involved in sex are the lips, fingertips and genitals, but have you ever discovered that you have hidden body parts that make you instantly turned-on when they're stimulated? A casual brush across the nape of the neck and you are ready to tear the clothes off your partner.
Who knew?
Take your time and touch and caress. There are lots of body parts to discover during foreplay. Take your time and find out what makes your partner moan.
Leave no skin untouched.
It may be the inside of the wrist, the nape of the neck, or the eyelids. The inside of the thighs are highly sensitive to touching, stroking and licking. Or maybe it's the feet. How will you ever know until you try? Nibble on his earlobe. Does his moan with pleasure? Or maybe you should try a playful nip on her ankle. Make a thorough exploration of each other's bodies. All it may take is a little hot breath on the neck or a long, slow stroke down the spine.
Touch and kiss your partner's elbows, knees, armpits, and tummy. Does that give them goose bumps? Then keep going. You're moving in the right direction.
You never know what kind of touch is going to feel incredibly erotic for your partner. Take the time to discover the secrets of each other's erogenous zones. It's a wonderful way to share a sex secret and create intimacy that will keep the magic of your relationship alive for a long time.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Why Does Facebook Think Pleasure Is Dirty?
Apparently, “pleasure” is a dirty word. At least it seems to be according to the Powers That Be of Facebook. I had no idea. Being a small business owner definitely has its educational moments.
I’ve used a variety of tools to promote my business so far: Twitter, blogging, guest posting, networking on- and offline. I had done a fairly good job of ignoring Facebook, mostly because I hadn’t quite figured out how I wanted to use it. But recently, I had a conversation with a friend who suggested a strategy that made sense. It sounded possible. It even sounded fun. I was able to redefine the Facebook tasks in a way that made sense…so I decided to get set up. I’ve had a page but I decided to rebrand from Leela Life Coaching to Body of Pleasure and actually engage at a higher level.
Name the page. Check. Tell people about it. Check. Twenty-five followers, check. Custom URL…not available. I tried BodyofPleasure, and then I tried other combinations and permutations. No dice.
In frustration, I posted to a forum of sexuality educators of which I’m a part. Someone posted back, “I believe pleasure is a blocked word.”
Indeed the Facebook help menus say that “certain words are blocked” from custom URLs, but nowhere is there a list of these words, nor have my colleagues been able to get an answer from The Powers Of Facebook. My colleague listed a number of words with clearly sexually explicit meanings that she knew were also blocked, but I was stuck on pleasure.
Pleasure, really? Pleasure is blocked? Pleasure?
Apparently so. Just to check I tried other phrases with “pleasure” and none were available. (Pleasing is ok though. Huh?) And Body of Pleasures, an adult toy seller (with whom I am not affiliated), doesn’t have a custom URL either.
So what’s up with this, Facebook? Surely you can’t tell me that the pleasures of ice cream, warm sun, cozy blankets, sweet pets, good movies, fabulous writing, grass under my toes, brilliant music, travel, art, and warm peaches fresh from the tree are all obscene. Pleasure is, in fact, not obscene. It’s not offensive, is it? It’s not even NSFW. People drink good quality coffee at desks and computers all around the world. By blocking the word pleasure you’re implying that enjoyment itself is somehow unfit for the public eye.
And it is this attitude that’s got our entire culture tangled in a hopeless knot.
Pleasure is not something that can or should be forgotten, hidden, or shamed. Pleasure is not something we can afford to set aside. Pleasure is the thing that tells us when we’re doing it right.
When we feel good, we’re doing it right. When we don’t feel good, something needs to change.
Sometimes it is a small thing. Sometimes it is a big thing. Sometimes it feels like EVERYTHING.
And when we can’t tell what we’re feeling, we have no idea if it’s right or not. We don’t know if we need new curtains. We don’t know if we need alone time. We don’t know if we should paint our toenails red. We just don’t know.
Which is sucky. And hard. And hard on everyone around us, too.
Pleasure saves the day. It is absolutely key. And Facebook? Blocking it from your URLs does not help matters one little bit. Instead you become part of a general cultural malaise that makes us less and less likely to know what we want and more and more likely to buy stuff or get drunk or get in fights or have insomnia and depression in an effort to figure out what we don’t even remember that we don’t know anymore. All we end up with is this general feeling of blah and no way to fix it.
No way that we remember.
We are caught in this shroud of forgetfulness around pleasure, and so we don’t know that all the tools we need are inside our own heads already.
Dear Facebook: help us remember. Help us remember to remember. Help us engage with the systems of knowing that we already have. Help us figure this one out. Sometimes pleasure is about sex. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes toes are about sex, too, but I don’t think those are blocked. Do one tiny thing to help us be a better place.
I’ve used a variety of tools to promote my business so far: Twitter, blogging, guest posting, networking on- and offline. I had done a fairly good job of ignoring Facebook, mostly because I hadn’t quite figured out how I wanted to use it. But recently, I had a conversation with a friend who suggested a strategy that made sense. It sounded possible. It even sounded fun. I was able to redefine the Facebook tasks in a way that made sense…so I decided to get set up. I’ve had a page but I decided to rebrand from Leela Life Coaching to Body of Pleasure and actually engage at a higher level.
Name the page. Check. Tell people about it. Check. Twenty-five followers, check. Custom URL…not available. I tried BodyofPleasure, and then I tried other combinations and permutations. No dice.
In frustration, I posted to a forum of sexuality educators of which I’m a part. Someone posted back, “I believe pleasure is a blocked word.”
Indeed the Facebook help menus say that “certain words are blocked” from custom URLs, but nowhere is there a list of these words, nor have my colleagues been able to get an answer from The Powers Of Facebook. My colleague listed a number of words with clearly sexually explicit meanings that she knew were also blocked, but I was stuck on pleasure.
Pleasure, really? Pleasure is blocked? Pleasure?
Apparently so. Just to check I tried other phrases with “pleasure” and none were available. (Pleasing is ok though. Huh?) And Body of Pleasures, an adult toy seller (with whom I am not affiliated), doesn’t have a custom URL either.
So what’s up with this, Facebook? Surely you can’t tell me that the pleasures of ice cream, warm sun, cozy blankets, sweet pets, good movies, fabulous writing, grass under my toes, brilliant music, travel, art, and warm peaches fresh from the tree are all obscene. Pleasure is, in fact, not obscene. It’s not offensive, is it? It’s not even NSFW. People drink good quality coffee at desks and computers all around the world. By blocking the word pleasure you’re implying that enjoyment itself is somehow unfit for the public eye.
And it is this attitude that’s got our entire culture tangled in a hopeless knot.
Pleasure is not something that can or should be forgotten, hidden, or shamed. Pleasure is not something we can afford to set aside. Pleasure is the thing that tells us when we’re doing it right.
When we feel good, we’re doing it right. When we don’t feel good, something needs to change.
Sometimes it is a small thing. Sometimes it is a big thing. Sometimes it feels like EVERYTHING.
And when we can’t tell what we’re feeling, we have no idea if it’s right or not. We don’t know if we need new curtains. We don’t know if we need alone time. We don’t know if we should paint our toenails red. We just don’t know.
Which is sucky. And hard. And hard on everyone around us, too.
Pleasure saves the day. It is absolutely key. And Facebook? Blocking it from your URLs does not help matters one little bit. Instead you become part of a general cultural malaise that makes us less and less likely to know what we want and more and more likely to buy stuff or get drunk or get in fights or have insomnia and depression in an effort to figure out what we don’t even remember that we don’t know anymore. All we end up with is this general feeling of blah and no way to fix it.
No way that we remember.
We are caught in this shroud of forgetfulness around pleasure, and so we don’t know that all the tools we need are inside our own heads already.
Dear Facebook: help us remember. Help us remember to remember. Help us engage with the systems of knowing that we already have. Help us figure this one out. Sometimes pleasure is about sex. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes toes are about sex, too, but I don’t think those are blocked. Do one tiny thing to help us be a better place.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
The Accidental Orgasm
Now that everyone knows what a clitoris is, there is equal opportunity for all. Prior to the groundbreaking discovery that clitoral stimulation was THE big factor in orgasm, men could imagine that the erect male member was the whole of the ecstasy package.
PREHISTORY AND THE SEX THING — WHO KNEW?
Our ancestors huddled in caves, fled from sabre-toothed tigers, ate roasted lizard, and died at 35. Female sexual satisfaction was not much on their minds.
The first man to elicit an orgasm from a female partner may have had a eureka! moment much like that of the guy who ate the first oyster or lit the first campfire. But I’m betting he didn’t know what a momentous discovery he’d made.
HE: “What the — #*%!^?*!? What’s the matter with you?”
SHE: “I just felt incredibly, fantastically good there for a few moments…”
HE: ”Well, put a sock in it next time. Your shrieking and clawing interrupts my concentration.”
THE EVOLUTION OF THE ORGASM
Civilization has passed through many millennia, all of them sympathetic to male supremacy. We live in the Age of Information Glut, wherein every sentient man knows women are not only capable of orgasms, but insist on them. Staring out from magazines, newspapers, and screens of every size and resolution are the faces of super-confident hotties whose message is plainly, “If you don’t get me off, pal, you’re gone.”
Now that everyone knows what a clitoris is, there is equal opportunity for all. Prior to the groundbreaking discovery that clitoral stimulation was THE big factor in orgasm, men could imagine that the erect male member was the whole of the ecstasy package. These days accidental orgasm is passé, an embarrassment, a sign that a man is not doing his job.
BUT ON THE DOWNSIDE….
Female self-affirmation has unleashed upon males a tidal wave of performance anxiety. Men once feared mere death, but now they live in terror of erectile dysfunction. It’s not just grandpas who are using Viagra. Studies suggest that younger men too experience E.D. For those with no physical ailment, the cause is most often fear of comparison, fear of not — er– measuring up.
Older guys’ E.D. is more physical than emotional. UniversityofChicagoresearchers say about one-third of American men 50-65 suffer from E.D. and from ages 65 to 85 the figure jumps to 44 percent. Few older men report the kind of performance anxiety that comes from fear of comparison, partly because they’ve had time to hone their skills in long-term marriages or in multiple relationships over time. And unless they’re wooing women young enough to be their daughters or granddaughters, they can count on the understanding of women partners mature enough to have been through the same wars.
WHAT OLD GUYS FEAR THE MOST
For old guys it’s not performance anxiety. It’s fear of the Last Erection. When a man of 60 experiences a temporary limp-out he’s positive that this is the moment he’s dreaded for the last decade. OMG my last erection was THE last.
This sort of flawed thinking can introduce anxiousness into otherwise vigorous and spontaneous lovemaking. If only the order were reversed – first the ejaculation, then the foreplay! Getting rid of the Big If right away, senior men could relax and focus more happily on the ecstasy-inducing moves the modern woman requires.
We don’t want it that way, of course. Women have had enough of being the afterthought. But ironically, we senior gals can benefit from Big If stress, because guys who are bummed about not having the rock-hard erections they had in their 20s will simply try harder to please, which means they won’t be settling for the accidental orgasm — and neither will you.
PREHISTORY AND THE SEX THING — WHO KNEW?
Our ancestors huddled in caves, fled from sabre-toothed tigers, ate roasted lizard, and died at 35. Female sexual satisfaction was not much on their minds.
The first man to elicit an orgasm from a female partner may have had a eureka! moment much like that of the guy who ate the first oyster or lit the first campfire. But I’m betting he didn’t know what a momentous discovery he’d made.
HE: “What the — #*%!^?*!? What’s the matter with you?”
SHE: “I just felt incredibly, fantastically good there for a few moments…”
HE: ”Well, put a sock in it next time. Your shrieking and clawing interrupts my concentration.”
THE EVOLUTION OF THE ORGASM
Civilization has passed through many millennia, all of them sympathetic to male supremacy. We live in the Age of Information Glut, wherein every sentient man knows women are not only capable of orgasms, but insist on them. Staring out from magazines, newspapers, and screens of every size and resolution are the faces of super-confident hotties whose message is plainly, “If you don’t get me off, pal, you’re gone.”
Now that everyone knows what a clitoris is, there is equal opportunity for all. Prior to the groundbreaking discovery that clitoral stimulation was THE big factor in orgasm, men could imagine that the erect male member was the whole of the ecstasy package. These days accidental orgasm is passé, an embarrassment, a sign that a man is not doing his job.
BUT ON THE DOWNSIDE….
Female self-affirmation has unleashed upon males a tidal wave of performance anxiety. Men once feared mere death, but now they live in terror of erectile dysfunction. It’s not just grandpas who are using Viagra. Studies suggest that younger men too experience E.D. For those with no physical ailment, the cause is most often fear of comparison, fear of not — er– measuring up.
Older guys’ E.D. is more physical than emotional. UniversityofChicagoresearchers say about one-third of American men 50-65 suffer from E.D. and from ages 65 to 85 the figure jumps to 44 percent. Few older men report the kind of performance anxiety that comes from fear of comparison, partly because they’ve had time to hone their skills in long-term marriages or in multiple relationships over time. And unless they’re wooing women young enough to be their daughters or granddaughters, they can count on the understanding of women partners mature enough to have been through the same wars.
WHAT OLD GUYS FEAR THE MOST
For old guys it’s not performance anxiety. It’s fear of the Last Erection. When a man of 60 experiences a temporary limp-out he’s positive that this is the moment he’s dreaded for the last decade. OMG my last erection was THE last.
This sort of flawed thinking can introduce anxiousness into otherwise vigorous and spontaneous lovemaking. If only the order were reversed – first the ejaculation, then the foreplay! Getting rid of the Big If right away, senior men could relax and focus more happily on the ecstasy-inducing moves the modern woman requires.
We don’t want it that way, of course. Women have had enough of being the afterthought. But ironically, we senior gals can benefit from Big If stress, because guys who are bummed about not having the rock-hard erections they had in their 20s will simply try harder to please, which means they won’t be settling for the accidental orgasm — and neither will you.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
May is National Masturbation Month
What? I don't remember that on my Hallmark calendar. Besides, isn't every month masturbation month? Rah, rah! Or is it raw, raw?
Good Vibrations is a sex store in San Francisco founded in 1977 by sex therapist and educator Joani Blank. It was initially established with the goal of being a sex-positive and woman-centered alternative to the 'adult' bookstores of the time, Good Vibrations offered sex information and education, featured erotica and books about sexual health and pleasure, and pioneered the concept of the "sex-positive, clean, well-lighted place" to buy sex toys.
Minnie Joycelyn Elders was the first African American and second woman to hold the position of Surgeon General of the United States, being appointed by President Bill Clinton in 1993. Like many of the surgeons general before her, she was an outspoken advocate of a variety of health-related causes. She argued for an exploration of the possibility of drug legalization and backed the distribution of contraceptives in schools.
In 1994, she was invited to speak at a United Nations conference on AIDS. She was asked whether it would be appropriate to promote masturbation as a means of preventing young people from engaging in riskier forms of sexual activity, and she replied, "I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught." This remark caused great controversy and resulted in Elders losing the support of the White House. ... Elders was fired by President Clinton as a result of the controversy in December 1994.
In 1995, California sex advocate Dr. Carol Queen with the assistance of Good Vibrations, held the first National Masturbation Day on May 7 while declaring May masturbation month. So get goin' and have some fun.
Good Vibrations is a sex store in San Francisco founded in 1977 by sex therapist and educator Joani Blank. It was initially established with the goal of being a sex-positive and woman-centered alternative to the 'adult' bookstores of the time, Good Vibrations offered sex information and education, featured erotica and books about sexual health and pleasure, and pioneered the concept of the "sex-positive, clean, well-lighted place" to buy sex toys.
Minnie Joycelyn Elders was the first African American and second woman to hold the position of Surgeon General of the United States, being appointed by President Bill Clinton in 1993. Like many of the surgeons general before her, she was an outspoken advocate of a variety of health-related causes. She argued for an exploration of the possibility of drug legalization and backed the distribution of contraceptives in schools.
In 1994, she was invited to speak at a United Nations conference on AIDS. She was asked whether it would be appropriate to promote masturbation as a means of preventing young people from engaging in riskier forms of sexual activity, and she replied, "I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught." This remark caused great controversy and resulted in Elders losing the support of the White House. ... Elders was fired by President Clinton as a result of the controversy in December 1994.
In 1995, California sex advocate Dr. Carol Queen with the assistance of Good Vibrations, held the first National Masturbation Day on May 7 while declaring May masturbation month. So get goin' and have some fun.
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